Thursday, November 11, 2010

Bent, But Not Broken

I haven't fished in over a month.  I got up one morning in late September and noticed some soreness in my lower back.  Nothing new.  I've had occasional back problems for close to 20 years.  At times it has put me on the floor for a few days straight, at others it has just been an irritation.  Regardless of the severity, I've always healed up within a week or two.  Expecting as much this go around, I went on with life as usual.  Unfortunately, after a couple of weeks I had deteriorated considerably.  The pain increased and I began to walk with a noticable limp.  Next, my body tightened up and went into a strange twist that caused my pelvis to become fixed at an odd angle.  My left hip jutted up and forward.  My co-workers started joking behind my back and then to my face that I walked like a stroke victim.  Two Quasimodo quotes kept ringing through my head:  "Don't look at me, I'm hideous." and "I am not an animal!"  The pain eventually went down my left leg and became quite excruciating.

I continued to work and even went out and fished for muskies a couple of times after my body fell apart on me.  I found that I could get pretty comfortable either sitting in the captain seat trolling or up in the seat on the bow casting.  The wife couldn't help but tell me that this all seemed just a little bit convenient.  Both of these trips were to Murray.  I only saw one muskie.  It made a viscious strike at a buzzbait, coming right out of the water.  It missed the bait and then hung out briefly boatside before disappearing.

Eventually, the pain became so severe that I could barely stand or even sit.  I went on a month long leave from work and Mort put the boat in its winter wrapping for me.  Long term pain is a strange thing.  It changes you.  My view of life was dulled as my energy and focus were sapped with an attempt to just cope.  The smallest task became monumental.  I had to psych myself up for a trip from the couch to the kitchen to do something as simple as putting my dishes in the dishwasher.  My leg would be completely throbbing a minute later when I threw myself back onto the couch.  I would then clench my teeth and hold on tight as the pain would slowly settle back out of my leg.  At its worst, this thing was a pretty horrific and confusing experience.  I couldn't understand how waking up with a little soreness could turn into such a major ordeal.  I also couldn't understand why I wasn't getting better.  It had to be bone cancer or something.

After trips to a couple of different doctors and finally getting an MRI, I was told that I had several bulging discs.  One in particular was pushing on my sciatic nerve.  This was the source of all of my misery.  I was getting the vibe from the doctors that this was just a run of the mill issue and not that big of a deal.  I actually agreed when I entered a large waiting room and saw all of the people in casts, wheelchairs, and walking with the assistance of crutches and walkers.  Even with my limp, I felt a little guilty being in there.

My doctor prescribed a pain medication that really helps.  I realized just how much it helps one night when I forgot to take it.  I spent several hours rolling around in my bed in a constant and unfruitful attempt to find a position that didn't bring pain.  I'm still pretty dependent on that pill to get me through my days and nights, but I feel like I'm well past the worst of this thing and I slowly continue to improve.

As in most trials, a lot of good has come from my pain.  It shook me out of the comfortable womb that I had built for myself.  I think that God was simply telling me to quit sliding through life in your own little world and start reaching out to those around you.  Many of my relationships have improved directly because of this situation.  Getting sidelined allowed me to spend an amazing amount of time with my kids.  I'm closer to each one of them than I have ever been.  I know them better and love them more.  I crave time with them.  I can tell that they feel closer to the guy who used to come home from work tired every evening.  All 3 of them light up when they see me.  Hayden has shown a real tender side in wanting to do little things to help her daddy.  This is a priceless gift. 

Michelle was also amazing right through the worst of things.  I know it got tiring seeing me stretched out on the couch day after day while she flew around trying to hold our life together.  She never once complained and consistently handled herself with incredible grace.  My neighbors across the street have really touched my heart in the way that they reached out to me.  They walked over to check on me regularly and even took care of my fall leaves for me.  My parents are the most giving people that I will probably ever know.  They were great all the way though.  They offered constant support, they took care of the second round of leaves, watched our kids several times, and called me just about every day.  They even gave me crutches and a cane to help me get around. 

It turned out to be an odd ending to a pretty tough year of fishing.  The flatties never really did get very hot for me.  Just when I thought that I had them figured out, they kind of left me scratching my head.  I did okay, but I'm going to hope for a better year next year.  I didn't turn into the muskie guy that I thought that I was going to.  I like to have some gear that I can use to go after them when I get in the mood, but I think that I will pretty much just fish for them in early spring and late fall.  I'll probably chase them a little on the ice, too.  Now I'm going to continue to focus on healing as the weather cools and the ice eventually forms.  The next time I fish, I'm quite sure that it will be through a hole.